thoughts from Phoenix

So I am back in Phoenix. This always seems to be a place I can slip away to for a chance to reflect and to relax. Yeah there may even be a few less than graceful moments. As evidenced by the tumble I took last night.

So all morning I have been trying to formulate my thoughts and fought the impulse to just write down all the things going through my head. So after some mindful meditation and even a quick dip in the pool I have accepted that I need to write these thoughts out even for me.

I have been juggling three terms in my head all morning. The three demons are Fear, Doubt and Anger. These are valid reactions that at the same time have no use. Last night I was fighting with these three as my friend and I went for a walk with her little dog. It was while walking like "a cat on fire" as my friend put it that I took a bad step in the dark and managed to throw myself to the ground. Pain helps you put things back into prospective. It doesn't have to be physical pain but that can act like a cosmic 2x4 to give you a wake up call.

I had worked myself up into such a frustrated state that the physical exercise of the walk was the best way to try and release some of those feelings. But my anger was based in fears and doubts that was more counter productive to what I needed to be working on. Fears only paralysis and prevent you from seeing the love of all that is around you. Fears may cause you to doubt those things in your heart that you know to be true. Once you feed these doubts and fears then there are only two choices left. Do you want to get angry or give up on what you are trying to find?

One of my current favorite CD is "The Journey Home" by Gurunam Singh. During the song "Dukh Par Har" there is a quote that talks about how "it is foolish to be angry". This is a meditation or chant to move from pain to peace. The one thing I have always accepted is that it takes the application of love to help slay these demons and find the courage to move forward. This doesn't mean that there isn't work to be done to move from this place of pain towards peace or sense of balance. The trick is remembering to be mindful of finding the divine with in all around you. Then you can learn and move forward and hopefully not keep repeating the same mistakes.

Maybe next time it will not take a cosmic 2x4 to help me find the courage to release the negative feelings I am fighting with.

Little Things are Important

Recently I was fortunate to have some work done on my laptop by a friend. One of the items we are still working on is a really simple item that was simply overlooked.

My laptop has a touch-pad/mouse built in. These are helpful when you are traveling or quickly opening a laptop to work. Many people find them helpful. In fact a dear friend currently traveling abroad uses hers more than a plug in mouse. I on the other hand have the tendency to drag my thumbs across touch-pads and it plays havoc with whatever task I am working on. I learned this when I traveled for my previous employer and my older laptop had no drivers to turn off the touch-pad. I used to have a small pile of post-it notes strategically placed to prevent any annoying interference.

Ultimately this is a minor thing to fix and my current laptop will again turn off the touch-pad when an "external pointing device" is installed. But it puts me in the mind that it is the simple things that we find a way to balance in our lives.

How often do we accept patterns in our lives and find a way to deal with the things we want to avoid. After how much time do these patterns or even isolation tactics become solid walls that we forget that the sunshine can not reach through our prison walls. We become content with the sliver of light that comes through the window and say that is all there is.

But how wonderful is it when something happens that causes the walls to be breeched. Our prison walls my fall or cause the ceiling to fall and we can again see the sun and stars that we have denied ourselves. We still have to find the keys to the door of this prison for we are the holder of the keys. Did we bury them in the corner? Did we forget they were in our pocket the whole time? Are they the albatross we wear around our neck as a symbol of our penance?

It is the little things like a trickle of water that wears down the foundation of our prison. Do we choose to repair the walls and stay inside or welcome the opportunity for more growth on our path?

Chocolate

I love Chocolate. This is no secret, after all I talked about the "hot fudge incident" in my previous post.

Recently a friend told me of a diabetic that works around chocolate. I am not sure I am strong enough to be someone that can be around something they love and yet is forbidden to embrace it. To be denied the subtle tastes as the chocolate melts on the tongue. To only be allowed to savor the sweet aroma and see velvety smoothness while knowing that there are real dangers in forgetting personal restraint.

Yet if I was this person with these challenges, I would pray to be strong enough to go into work and put my heart into the job. To be able to know that maybe I could still make these delicious morsels with love for others. That my love of chocolate even when I can not enjoy it could bring happiness and joy to others. That some young lovers could share the embrace of senses in their lives.

Much to ponder this morning or maybe I just need to watch the "The King and I" and sing along with Anna.

less than graceful moments

A dear friend uses a phrase I love: "less than graceful moments". I woke up this morning and was thinking about this. I was comparing how I would have reacted to one of these events in my past and how it snowballed out of control. I love to think of this moment because it reminds me how silly I can be and need to relax more. The only thing I will say is that it involved a half jar of hot fudge from the fridge and then a panic moment to hide the evidence.

The reason this is on my mind is that I realized that as I have gotten older I can still have these moments. I even can over compensate as I work through those issues. But I also can forgive myself and just clean up the mess and move on now. I do not need to hide the evidence because it doesn't matter. What would have happened years ago if I had let the fudge incident happen and not then had to indulge to hide the issue. I firmly believe that is it easier to accept the responsibility for what was done and honestly not hide it. Life is a journey and sometimes we stray off the path with the desire to pick the thistles instead of the roses. Both have thorns but one is more dangerous.

We can pick ourselves up, dust our selves off and start all over again. (Thank you rubber tree plant!)

And thank you my friend for reminding me of the lessons that can be learned from "less than graceful moments"

You have to have a dream...

"you have to have a dream,
if you don't have a dream,
how you gonna have a dream come true?"

Over the last few years there has been a lot of writing regarding "The Law of Attraction". It doesn't matter if you believe the principle or if you view it as metaphysical garbage. If you don't set goals and have a direction to head then all you do is wander.

I have always believed that staying true to yourself will help you find your path. It is amazing that dreams can remain in the deepest corner of your heart. Then one day you turn around and someone has found the way to shine the light on that dream and allow it it finally bloom.

Comfort Zones

Comfort zones and routines are a way of avoiding vulnerabilities. Most the time it is easier to stay in one place versus opening yourself up to your demons. The risk of admitting that you are scared to rely on another person can be terrifying. Isolationism can become the cape we wrap around us to protect from the fears of rejection and abandonment.

It is only by showing our weaknesses that we are also able to show our strengths. It is by removing our capes that we can allow situations to help us grow. It is also the only way that we can take those chances to connect with our fellow man.

This is how we enter the cosmic connection of love in the universe.


(Please forgive the ramblings that caused me to wake up at 4am but needed to be voiced)

Long time silent

It has bothered me that I have refrained from blogging for a very long time. I still harbor guilt over the fact I never finished blogging about my second trip to Israel. RCG was such a great host and we had a great time. I am very grateful for the opportunities that my friendship allows for traveling to visit her.

Back in February I was blessed with the chance to go see Miss Nancy Wilson (www.missnancywilson.com). I was raised around incredible music from the 60's and 70's. One of my favorite LP's, which I still own (and have no way to play), is a 1970's release entitled "Can't take my Eyes Off of You". So when the rare appearance at Yoshi's in Oakland (www.yoshis.com) was announced in December I decided that would be my birthday present to myself.

My good friends KT and TT traveled out to Oakland and we all had dinner at Yoshi's and then saw the concert. But it was during the second show that I stayed and was chatting with the gal at my table that I realized a few things. One that life is short. Another that love is always worth the risk to your heart. That even if "Never Will I Marry" has been my theme song that someone can come along and remind me how love can resonate in the heart.