Randomness

So I have had about three things banging around in my head and have been trying to find a way to tie them together. I still do not know if I can find a way but I feel like I still need to express what is on my mind.

It started the other day when a co-worker was talking about her teenage son and his cute girlfriend. It is really fun to here her talk about her family. She lights up about the good things and you can see her concern and love when things are not all roses. This is one of the happy stories as she was laughing about how her oldest would be downstairs with his cute girlfriend. So what would any loving mother do? Send down the younger siblings to invade chaperon. I think this is a wonderful display of how she understands what these young kids are going through (face it hormones get the best of us at almost any age!) and yet still show her love and values.

Face it, intimacy is a fact of life. I saw an interview on Craig Ferguson where Archbishop Desmond Tutu was talking about how we are all living a "human existence." He was also talking about how we can not do this alone and it requires other humans to give us the full extent of who we are and the things we are here to learn. This leads me to the second thought rambling in my head.

My lovely niece had a beautiful blog entry dealing with the topic of dating. My niece is a shining example of an intelligent and morally upright person. She is stunningly beautiful and an absolute joy. Of course Uncle David might be a little bias but I know that she will bring true joy to the man she falls in love with. And that was where my thoughts were.

In her blog she talked about the risk of having your heart broken. I really wanted to post a comment on her blog but then I didn't know how to offer my little piece of insight that she is welcome to take or ignore as she sees fit. See that is part of the human experience we get from dealing with others. How do you share with someone that getting your heart broken can make you a better person. The trick is trying not to be distant and cynical for the choices you made in your past. I spent so many years avoiding relationships that I was sure it would never happen again. But it was only after looking at the things that brought joy in those past relationships that made me the person I am today. Yes there was pain and heartache but that just helps you grow.

How do you share that by putting yourself out there even a little then someone can come along and connect in ways you never thought possible. Where you see that this budding friendship means the world and that you can not think of a life without them in it. Suddenly anything seems possible - even admitting that love has once again found your heart.

Love makes you stronger. It makes you more vulnerable but it also helps you see the degree of compassion and love that can be there on so many levels. If we just get out of our own way. Yes we need those that love us to help reign in the boundaries that shouldn't be crossed but we also need to make sure we are not living in a cave in fear.

And then there is the third piece of my thoughts. I heard a beautiful song that was being played as background during an episode of "Brothers & Sisters" - one of my guilty pleasures. It was a song by Alexi Murdoch called "It's Only Fear." Fear can do so much to limit the things we can experience. Fear is what keeps you from lowering your cape and letting someone get to know you. It can keep you in destructive and isolating routines that only serve to feed your fears and make one even more cynical. Love is the key to losing these fears. Love of your fellow man, the human existence, the spiritual journey, and to those who are like family.

These ramblings may not make sense and may not even now be joined in a logical process. These are thoughts I needed to share and I hope that they give you something to ponder in your own life.

Temperance in Margarita-ville

SO this morning I have been trying to find the right words that I am wanting to express. But my thoughts have had a hard time thinking all the way to coherent thoughts. But maybe it is better if I just ramble around in my own mental garbage a little this morning.

THe other day I was given the thought of Temperance to meditate upon. This is not unusual as I have various meditation tools to help open up and see different ways of looking at things in my life. these tools are meant to help you find the answers and be able to turn the gem of life in order to see a different facet.

I found this a unique topic in that I am on vacation and was fully aware that there would be certain indulgences that would happen as I take the break from my daily routine. I do not think of this as a bad thing. It isn't like I am going out and hurting others and any impact really would be to myself and short term.

Last evening was one of those times when I allowed myself to indulge in something that I know always has a really bad outcome for myself. Let me start by saying that I had a really great time and that Margaritas really should not be blended.

Years ago I had a period when this was my drink of choice. It was a period in my youth when I was trying to recover from a bad relationship. I guess it was one of two periods when I might as well accept that I was a "bar-fly." I was seeing a nice person and enjoying our friendship. But because of where I was in my life and his situation things never progressed any further. I know now that he broke things off because of his issues and not wanting me to have to deal things that would in time be very rough. It was a very different world 20 years ago when dealing with certain issues. But this is not what I was thinking about this morning. Though I do remember him fondly and hope that he is well where ever he might be at this time.

I learned something about myself in these heady days of tequila indulgence. I learned that certain beverages had really adverse effects on my mental state. So after a time I accepted that I could only indulge this pleasurable drink if I set limits on it. I learned that if I was going to indulge in a visit to Margarita-ville it could only be once a year in a controlled environment. This included making sure I was not agitated or filled with any bitterness. I will just add that Alanis Morrisette, margarita and cell phones only leads to inappropriate confrontations via drunk dialing.

Last night was not one of those nights. Instead of being agitated and confrontational I found myself really questioning some recent choices. I found myself looking at the true nature of love in connection with the purpose of one's existence. This might be a little obvious from the previous blog entry made as I was heading to bed last night. I began to question what my motives were in the choices I am making recently. This morning as I get up and took a quick dip in the pool before drinking my coffee lead me to the the previous day's thoughts about temperance.

For three years I have been trying to find the right way to balance my work life and my personal life. I have been a workaholic due to my work ethic and the fact that I have spent many years quite bitter and cynical about finding a personal relationship for myself. Oh I have plenty of friends and would spend time with them. Many mornings and evenings filling my time with various escapisms that I enjoy and would also offer me a justified isolation in my cave. I have a side of me that is very much a hermit and friends joke about my "monk" phases. I would be lying to say that I haven't toyed with the fantasy of joining a monastery if I could only have embraced Catholicism.

But after three years of self-imposed exile in a job that did not require any demand upon my extra time I have begun to actually work on finding the balance for my life. I have decided that I do want an actual life. I want to share myself and risk once again opening my heart to another. To have the opportunity to work at a challenging job. To also maybe have commitments to another that requires that I give of my time willingly and lovingly.

We do not always find the ideals and life can send you unique challenges that require that we learn how to maintain the necessary concentration on all aspects of our life. For we must become a juggler that keeps all the items in the air. If you focus too much on one then the others fall. We must also learn how to deal with the fluid and teh solid surroundings in our life. There must be a balance and equilibrium at all times. I have always loved the symmetry in a Byzantine cross. When I was blessed to go to Israel the first time I found a pendant of the Jerusalem Cross. The combination of images and symbols spoke to me about the balance of all things. This was a step beyond even just a simple equilateral cross and was the symbol I wanted to wear on my necklace.

Learning to find the balance and keep the aspects of ones life going at all times should be pleasurable as well as a challenge. Sometimes I guess we have to forget those things so we can again find the right balance. And with that I say goodbye to Margarita-ville until I am again willing to visit when I know what I am facing

Mamma Mia

Tonight I finally managed to find the time to see the movie "Mamma Mia!" I know that someone will surely petition to have my membership card revoked for taking so long to see the movie or the play.

It really is a cute movie and I even enjoyed Pierce Brosnan's singing. It seemed to at least have the passion for the scenes even if he isn't the best singer.

It also hit all the romantic bones in my personality. It reminded me how much I do believe in the power of love. It seems to be well drilled in our social consciousness to want to share your life with someone and express the love in our hearts. I also was reminded how wonderful it can be to take the one you love into your arms and not care what the world thinks. If two people truly love each other and fit together as naturally as the two sides of a ying and yang then surely there must be a way to let that love grow and flourish.

If love can't uplift and support you then why is it such an important part of the human existence? Isn't love a spiritual connection to the divine? Should't it be the natural part of the soul's progression through this existence?

Oh, l'amour, l'amour, how it can let you down. Hmm. How it can pick you up again. - The Countess DeLave "The Women" (1939)

meditation

The daily routines that we set up for ourselves can sometimes fall into the rut of only servicing our obligations and responsibilities. every morning I would wake up and go about my routine with a designated set of alarms to be a certain points. Wake up, shower, leave for work. these alarms would be set with built in buffers for when I would slept in or get distracted by emails. This would be my daily routine for any work morning.

While I have been on vacation here in Phoenix my morning have been a simple routine. I would wake up and have a cup of coffee (My friends have a wonderful fancy European style coffee machine) and then step out onto their patio and enjoy the morning sun. I found myself returning to some of my meditations and mantras. It has been a real joyous start to the day.

It is amazing how important ones spiritual foundation also needs to nurtured and fed. The connection to know when your path is heading in the right direction is not a roll of the dice but something that has to be filled with mindfulness. I hope this is something that I can work into my daily routine once I return to the daily rut.

But it is also important to accept and embrace the blessings that have recently come my way. But how to find the balance for all of this will need mindfulness.

thoughts from Phoenix

So I am back in Phoenix. This always seems to be a place I can slip away to for a chance to reflect and to relax. Yeah there may even be a few less than graceful moments. As evidenced by the tumble I took last night.

So all morning I have been trying to formulate my thoughts and fought the impulse to just write down all the things going through my head. So after some mindful meditation and even a quick dip in the pool I have accepted that I need to write these thoughts out even for me.

I have been juggling three terms in my head all morning. The three demons are Fear, Doubt and Anger. These are valid reactions that at the same time have no use. Last night I was fighting with these three as my friend and I went for a walk with her little dog. It was while walking like "a cat on fire" as my friend put it that I took a bad step in the dark and managed to throw myself to the ground. Pain helps you put things back into prospective. It doesn't have to be physical pain but that can act like a cosmic 2x4 to give you a wake up call.

I had worked myself up into such a frustrated state that the physical exercise of the walk was the best way to try and release some of those feelings. But my anger was based in fears and doubts that was more counter productive to what I needed to be working on. Fears only paralysis and prevent you from seeing the love of all that is around you. Fears may cause you to doubt those things in your heart that you know to be true. Once you feed these doubts and fears then there are only two choices left. Do you want to get angry or give up on what you are trying to find?

One of my current favorite CD is "The Journey Home" by Gurunam Singh. During the song "Dukh Par Har" there is a quote that talks about how "it is foolish to be angry". This is a meditation or chant to move from pain to peace. The one thing I have always accepted is that it takes the application of love to help slay these demons and find the courage to move forward. This doesn't mean that there isn't work to be done to move from this place of pain towards peace or sense of balance. The trick is remembering to be mindful of finding the divine with in all around you. Then you can learn and move forward and hopefully not keep repeating the same mistakes.

Maybe next time it will not take a cosmic 2x4 to help me find the courage to release the negative feelings I am fighting with.

Little Things are Important

Recently I was fortunate to have some work done on my laptop by a friend. One of the items we are still working on is a really simple item that was simply overlooked.

My laptop has a touch-pad/mouse built in. These are helpful when you are traveling or quickly opening a laptop to work. Many people find them helpful. In fact a dear friend currently traveling abroad uses hers more than a plug in mouse. I on the other hand have the tendency to drag my thumbs across touch-pads and it plays havoc with whatever task I am working on. I learned this when I traveled for my previous employer and my older laptop had no drivers to turn off the touch-pad. I used to have a small pile of post-it notes strategically placed to prevent any annoying interference.

Ultimately this is a minor thing to fix and my current laptop will again turn off the touch-pad when an "external pointing device" is installed. But it puts me in the mind that it is the simple things that we find a way to balance in our lives.

How often do we accept patterns in our lives and find a way to deal with the things we want to avoid. After how much time do these patterns or even isolation tactics become solid walls that we forget that the sunshine can not reach through our prison walls. We become content with the sliver of light that comes through the window and say that is all there is.

But how wonderful is it when something happens that causes the walls to be breeched. Our prison walls my fall or cause the ceiling to fall and we can again see the sun and stars that we have denied ourselves. We still have to find the keys to the door of this prison for we are the holder of the keys. Did we bury them in the corner? Did we forget they were in our pocket the whole time? Are they the albatross we wear around our neck as a symbol of our penance?

It is the little things like a trickle of water that wears down the foundation of our prison. Do we choose to repair the walls and stay inside or welcome the opportunity for more growth on our path?

Chocolate

I love Chocolate. This is no secret, after all I talked about the "hot fudge incident" in my previous post.

Recently a friend told me of a diabetic that works around chocolate. I am not sure I am strong enough to be someone that can be around something they love and yet is forbidden to embrace it. To be denied the subtle tastes as the chocolate melts on the tongue. To only be allowed to savor the sweet aroma and see velvety smoothness while knowing that there are real dangers in forgetting personal restraint.

Yet if I was this person with these challenges, I would pray to be strong enough to go into work and put my heart into the job. To be able to know that maybe I could still make these delicious morsels with love for others. That my love of chocolate even when I can not enjoy it could bring happiness and joy to others. That some young lovers could share the embrace of senses in their lives.

Much to ponder this morning or maybe I just need to watch the "The King and I" and sing along with Anna.

less than graceful moments

A dear friend uses a phrase I love: "less than graceful moments". I woke up this morning and was thinking about this. I was comparing how I would have reacted to one of these events in my past and how it snowballed out of control. I love to think of this moment because it reminds me how silly I can be and need to relax more. The only thing I will say is that it involved a half jar of hot fudge from the fridge and then a panic moment to hide the evidence.

The reason this is on my mind is that I realized that as I have gotten older I can still have these moments. I even can over compensate as I work through those issues. But I also can forgive myself and just clean up the mess and move on now. I do not need to hide the evidence because it doesn't matter. What would have happened years ago if I had let the fudge incident happen and not then had to indulge to hide the issue. I firmly believe that is it easier to accept the responsibility for what was done and honestly not hide it. Life is a journey and sometimes we stray off the path with the desire to pick the thistles instead of the roses. Both have thorns but one is more dangerous.

We can pick ourselves up, dust our selves off and start all over again. (Thank you rubber tree plant!)

And thank you my friend for reminding me of the lessons that can be learned from "less than graceful moments"