Temperance in Margarita-ville

SO this morning I have been trying to find the right words that I am wanting to express. But my thoughts have had a hard time thinking all the way to coherent thoughts. But maybe it is better if I just ramble around in my own mental garbage a little this morning.

THe other day I was given the thought of Temperance to meditate upon. This is not unusual as I have various meditation tools to help open up and see different ways of looking at things in my life. these tools are meant to help you find the answers and be able to turn the gem of life in order to see a different facet.

I found this a unique topic in that I am on vacation and was fully aware that there would be certain indulgences that would happen as I take the break from my daily routine. I do not think of this as a bad thing. It isn't like I am going out and hurting others and any impact really would be to myself and short term.

Last evening was one of those times when I allowed myself to indulge in something that I know always has a really bad outcome for myself. Let me start by saying that I had a really great time and that Margaritas really should not be blended.

Years ago I had a period when this was my drink of choice. It was a period in my youth when I was trying to recover from a bad relationship. I guess it was one of two periods when I might as well accept that I was a "bar-fly." I was seeing a nice person and enjoying our friendship. But because of where I was in my life and his situation things never progressed any further. I know now that he broke things off because of his issues and not wanting me to have to deal things that would in time be very rough. It was a very different world 20 years ago when dealing with certain issues. But this is not what I was thinking about this morning. Though I do remember him fondly and hope that he is well where ever he might be at this time.

I learned something about myself in these heady days of tequila indulgence. I learned that certain beverages had really adverse effects on my mental state. So after a time I accepted that I could only indulge this pleasurable drink if I set limits on it. I learned that if I was going to indulge in a visit to Margarita-ville it could only be once a year in a controlled environment. This included making sure I was not agitated or filled with any bitterness. I will just add that Alanis Morrisette, margarita and cell phones only leads to inappropriate confrontations via drunk dialing.

Last night was not one of those nights. Instead of being agitated and confrontational I found myself really questioning some recent choices. I found myself looking at the true nature of love in connection with the purpose of one's existence. This might be a little obvious from the previous blog entry made as I was heading to bed last night. I began to question what my motives were in the choices I am making recently. This morning as I get up and took a quick dip in the pool before drinking my coffee lead me to the the previous day's thoughts about temperance.

For three years I have been trying to find the right way to balance my work life and my personal life. I have been a workaholic due to my work ethic and the fact that I have spent many years quite bitter and cynical about finding a personal relationship for myself. Oh I have plenty of friends and would spend time with them. Many mornings and evenings filling my time with various escapisms that I enjoy and would also offer me a justified isolation in my cave. I have a side of me that is very much a hermit and friends joke about my "monk" phases. I would be lying to say that I haven't toyed with the fantasy of joining a monastery if I could only have embraced Catholicism.

But after three years of self-imposed exile in a job that did not require any demand upon my extra time I have begun to actually work on finding the balance for my life. I have decided that I do want an actual life. I want to share myself and risk once again opening my heart to another. To have the opportunity to work at a challenging job. To also maybe have commitments to another that requires that I give of my time willingly and lovingly.

We do not always find the ideals and life can send you unique challenges that require that we learn how to maintain the necessary concentration on all aspects of our life. For we must become a juggler that keeps all the items in the air. If you focus too much on one then the others fall. We must also learn how to deal with the fluid and teh solid surroundings in our life. There must be a balance and equilibrium at all times. I have always loved the symmetry in a Byzantine cross. When I was blessed to go to Israel the first time I found a pendant of the Jerusalem Cross. The combination of images and symbols spoke to me about the balance of all things. This was a step beyond even just a simple equilateral cross and was the symbol I wanted to wear on my necklace.

Learning to find the balance and keep the aspects of ones life going at all times should be pleasurable as well as a challenge. Sometimes I guess we have to forget those things so we can again find the right balance. And with that I say goodbye to Margarita-ville until I am again willing to visit when I know what I am facing